(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
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Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
My what?
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?