me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
You Might Also Like
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Sooo many times…..
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
I’m sorry…what?
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.