Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
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the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.