What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
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Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?