“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
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[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
@ candidates for local office
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.