She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
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School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
all that yoga finally paid off
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.