Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
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good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Never forget.
Ugh but profoundly
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic