Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
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Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Me trying to look natural in photos
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
🌱🌱🌱
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral