me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
You Might Also Like
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.