Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
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My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞