Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
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[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
The days of good grammer has went
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]