They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
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i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
May have had one breakfast too many
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.