It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
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Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
the red hot silly peppers
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit