I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
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Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
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At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is