When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
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That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
My nickname in high school was “who?”
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
🤣🤣💀
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.