ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
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They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
I’m too immature for adultery.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Yup….perfect score!
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
welp
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?