Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
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no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie