Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
You Might Also Like
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.