I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
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The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Was it something I said?
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys