spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
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I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
mood
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people