#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
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“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Sign of the day..
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.