*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
You Might Also Like
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”