“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
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Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Left at a local drug store…
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy