My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
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Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda