confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
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a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
This rocks
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.