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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead