When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
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Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely