a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
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A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.