Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
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The internet is magic sometimes.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*