a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
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DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat