My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
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*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
this could fix me
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Forever 21… pounds overweight
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
🤣😈🤣
Sombrero is better than nobrero.