My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
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My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
Have a lovely day 😊
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.