Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
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13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
Breakfast for Stoners:
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming