the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
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The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do