I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
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I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it