[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
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Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
I mean…but I did
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*