The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
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Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.