God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
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I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.