Eating my way out of the ball pit.
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Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn鈥檛 jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
I keep every love note I鈥檝e ever written because one day I鈥檒l have grandchildren who will find them and it鈥檒l fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
me trying to get a bartender鈥檚 attention
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it鈥檚 not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
Me: you know, it鈥檚 only psychosis if it鈥檚 from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it鈥檚 just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma鈥檃m, it鈥檚 time for your medication
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 馃憤馃ぃ鉂わ笍
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i鈥檓 gonna kill god.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Don鈥檛 let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.