Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
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I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.