For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
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I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
tourist season
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage