[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
You Might Also Like
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
I was up all night reading about insomnia