I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
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Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Phones down.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
*ernest hemingway voice*
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold