Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
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Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.