“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
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[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
the three genders
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.