(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
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Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
who wore it better?
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable