can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
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“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
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DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers