DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
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If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
😅🤣😂
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park