My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
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I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
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Me: Same
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.