I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
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“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
At least my masseuse has my back.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Going into Monday like